Spiner’s Story

I follow Brent Spiner on Twitter. On September 28, he began tweeting a story that ran daily until it finally ended today. It was Entertaining and I thought I would share it with all of you. I have reordered the tweets and edited it for punctuation only. None of the tweets have been textually changed and the story stands totally on it’s own. Follow Brent Spiner here:

     I was lying on my bed, happily asleep. I love to sleep. The best part of life, isn’t it? For some reason I opened my eyes. Bad idea. The overhead light was on. Strange. I never turn on that light. Hate overhead light. Not flattering. But, then I realized it was too bright. It was like a huge klieg light. I didn’t remember going to a premier. I felt compelled to be part of that light. My body began to levitate. I drifted higher and higher. I was convinced I was a part of the light. But I wasn’t. It was a portal of some sort and I was being sucked in. It felt strange. Unlike any sucking experience I’ve ever had. I was now above the house. I went through the roof and didn’t feel it. I was hovering in the air, gradually being pulled higher and higher. Not my favorite thing. I really hate heights. And, suddenly, I saw it. A terrifyingly huge spacecraft. I assumed it was the Mother ship. I don’t know why. I guess it had something to do with all the sucking. I felt the urge to scream. I feel that way when I’m in the air. Even on stepladders. A portal opened in the hull of the ship and in I went.
     I landed on my feet in what appeared to be an Egyptian motif. Very Stargate the movie. No one in sight but I was sure I was being watched. Then they came. Dropping from the ceiling which was at least a hundred feet high. They floated to the floor like leaves falling from a tree. They landed and stood perfectly still in front of me, about fifty of them. They were all the same height. Tall. I’d say 6′ 2″ at least. They looked quite unlike any aliens I’d ever encountered. No make-up by Michael Westmore. No large heads. In fact, they looked a bit like Michael Rennie in // The Day The Earth Stood Still //.
     One of them stepped forward. He reached out his hand and said, “Klaatu Barada Nikto”.
     I didn’t want to shake. Who knows if these fellows wash? I bowed deeply and repeated, “Klaatu Barada Nikto”. They all laughed alien laughs. To remind you (because some of you seem more confused than me) I thought it was a dream. But when I woke three days had passed! Not a dream.
     “We are honored to have you here. What can we can do for you?” Since they grabbed me in my sleep, I was feeling uncomfortable in my briefs. I was happy to find they spoke English.
     “Do you happen to have any spare space suits lying around? Yours are just terrific, by the way.”
     The leader waved his hand and I was suddenly wearing one of those silver lame jobs from The Day The Earth Stood Still. I looked pretty cool. While I was admiring myself, the whole pack of them took the opportunity to transform into Rutger Hauer from BLADE RUNNER. Whoo, freaky!
     “Hey, cool guys. Can you do Darryl Hannah? Heh, heh.” They did. Fifty Darryl Hannah’s circa 1982. Oh Mama, I think I like this place. “Well, I guess this begs the question,’what am I doing here?'” They looked at each other and giggled android giggles. The leader spoke.
     “We are from the planet, Scitana-f. We have existed for many centuries. We feel it is time to introduce your people to our knowledge.”
     “Hey, I think we did an episode like that. It was called, ‘First Contact’. We also did a movie called, ‘First…” They giggled again. Wasn’t sure what the giggling was about. Figured it’s just what they do. Gosh, they entrusted me with the knowledge of their existence. Me! “Have you chosen me from all mankind because I am the most perfect example of that species?”
     The leader spoke again. “No.” They giggled. (Note: Yes, I misused “begs the question.” I got excited because I realized it wasn’t a dream. Also, it’s not a story. It really happened.)
     “Then, if I am not the finest of all humans, why have you chosen me?”
     As they morphed into Bruce Dern from “Silent Running” he spoke again. “We love Earth sci-fi. Much better than the crap they do on Jupiter. Most of all, we love STAR TREK!” Odd seeing fifty aliens shout DATA!!!
     “Still, out of all the sci-fi actors in the world, you chose me!”
     “We heard the great actor Spot the Cat was dead. He was our first choice.”
     “There were two Spot’s and one of them is still alive. But, he was the worst actor I ever worked with.” They morphed into giggling cats. “Now that you have me here, what do you want of me?”
     “We wish you to entertain us. Be Data now.”
     “Sorry, I haven’t done that for a while.”
     “We want you to entertain all of the inhabitants of Scitana-F. They wish to ask you questions. Have you write your name on their soyas.”
     “Soyas? What the heck are soyas?” They began to unzip their space suits. “Stop! Wait! I don’t sign body parts.”
     “That’s not what we heard.”
     “Well, only for charity. But, I promise you, I’d never sign a body part of Bruce Dern’s.”
     In a flash they all transformed into Megan Fox. “Please come with us.”
     “I don’t…”
     Two of the Megan Fox’s made a fireman’s chair with their arms and I plopped onto it. Nice way to travel. They walked me down the corridors of the ship. Each was a cinematic replication. Star Wars, Outland, 2001, and of course, Trek. Nice design. I was oddly not frightened and enjoying myself. One of the Megan’s carrying me gasped. I think I accidently touched her one of her soyas. We stopped in front of two closed doors. They looked like the turbolift entrance. Naturally, they slid open with a familiar sound. Whoosh! I was expecting to see the inside of an elevator. Instead, it was the doorway to a grand ballroom of sorts. And what I saw made me giggle. it looked like the arena in // Gladiator //. There were tiers and tiers of aliens.
     “We are very fond of “sword and sandal picture’s, too.”
     “Wow, there must be half a million..what do you call yourselves?”
     “Scit’s. We brought everyone on our planet. No one wanted to be left out.”
     “Everyone? Your entire population?”
     “It is a very small planet. But still we managed to kick Uranus’s butt in the last planetary war.” (Note:Okay, I’ll say it one more time. This is not a dream. I thought it was but apparently it really happened. I’m just trying to share.)
     “So, basically, you’ve brought me here for a Star Trek Convention?”
     “It is our first one. You are our honored first guest. Congratulations.”
     “Look, when I do these on Earth, I’m paid quite handsomely.”
     “Yes, and we intend to do even more. If you please us, we will let you live.”
     “Make us laugh, Brent Spiner. Make us happy.”
     “And, if I don’t, you’ll kill me?”
     “Oh yes, and the rest of your planet, too.” They giggled.
     “So it’s up to me to save all the people of the Earth?”
     “We believe that is an equitable deal.”
     “And, you don’t even pay for photo-ops?”
     ” I don’t know if I’m up to this. It’s an awful lot of responsibility…uh, what should I call you?”
     The leader morphed into Alec Guinness. “You can call me Obi or you can call me Ben. Just don’t call me Wan.”
     “Not Spanish, huh.” The leader didn’t laugh. I’m in a lot of trouble. Music began playing. The lights dimmed. Somehow they’d gotten hold of the DATA video that Creation Entertainment runs before my appearances. I was escorted to the floor of the arena and handed a mike. As I looked around the room I saw every imaginable celuloid Sci-fi character.
     A mellifluous voice came over a loudspeaker, “Let’s get ready to Rummmble!! You know him, you love him, the one, the only, Brent Spinerrrrr!!
     They began chanting, “Data, Data, Data!!!” As they held up their hands, strange strobes popped in their palms. Alien cameras, I guessed.
     “Good evening Ladies, and Germs. Can’t tell you what a joy it is to be here on the Mothership. I feel a little like Bob Hope on a USO gig.” Not a sound. “Don’t remember ol’ ski nose, huh?.. I love this silver lame. Put a basket of fruit on my head, I’ll look like Carmen Miranda. Enough with the levity. Why don’t we open this up to a few of your questions. You, over there, Walter Pidgeon from Forbidden Planet.”
     “Mr. Spiner, when you beam out on the show, is that an effect or can you really disperse your molecules?”
     “Wow, an intergalactic nerd, huh?” The smiles disappeared from their faces. I feared I had offended. “Nerds…uh, like me. We’re all nerds here, right?” Applause. “Next.”
     C3PO stood and raised his hand. “Mr. Spinner, who do you think would win in a fight, DATA or Sigourney Weaver?” Had to be careful this time.
     “Being a gentleman, he would, of course, let her win.” From their cheers they seemed to approve. “I, myself, would put her in a leg lock.” Boos. Again, I shot myself in the foot. These were hard core science fiction folks and they didn’t seem to like my sarcastic sense of humor. “Take it easy. I wouldn’t even fight her. Why would I? That would be silly.”
     Counselor Troi spoke. ” I am sensing danger for your planet.” All of the Chewbaccas and Iron Men and Hal the computers and Robby the Robots and Farrah Fawcetts from Logans Run were getting steamed. I knew I had to be careful with the next one. A bad answer could mean bye-bye Earth. Holy Moly. Data the android stood and raised his hand.
     “Yes, the gentleman over there in the pasty face.”
     “Uh, Mr. Spiner, if you had it to do over again, would you have killed Data in ‘Nemesis?'”
     I could feel sweat starting to bead above my upper lip. I knew what they wanted to hear. All the people of the Earth were depending on me. But, I couldn’t do it. “No I don’t regret it! It was over. That was the last movie for us! Paramount killed everyone else! Get over it!!!”
     A deathly silence fell over the room. Then, simultaneously, they began to chant. “Kill the pig, cut his throat, bash him in. Kill the pig..”
     Obi stepped forward and raised his hand and the crowd quieted down. All except R2D2 who kept making idiotic whirring and whistling sounds. “Our hero, the great Brent Spiner, has let us down. Do not be disappointed. I promise each of you your very own piece of his sacred body.”
     “Wait, give me a chance. All right, I made a few gaffes, but I was just trying to amuse you! I know you take your sci-fi seriously but I’m just not a fan. So, kill me.”
     They erupted in a great cheer.”Kill the pig, etc.”
     Obi leaned in. “You just doomed your planet, too.”
     I was up against it…and so were you. “Wait, don’t you see? If you kill me, it’s the same as when we killed DATA. A bad decision, right? And if you kill J.J. Abrams, there’ll be no more STAR TREK. No more FRINGE! If you destroy Earth, there will be no more great sci-fi!”
     Obi spoke. “Nice try. But we’re making our own sci-fi now. We just did a terrific remake of ‘Mars Attacks’. Much better than the original.”
     I thought about sacrificing myself for the good of mankind. But I was afraid people would find it an unsatisfying ending to my life arc. They began to close in on me. There was only one thing left to try. “Stop! Just stop and think about it! You’re making a huge mistake. Don’t you see? Violence isn’t the answer. Sure, it’s fun to see things blow up and lightsabers hack off limbs. But, that’s not what sci-fi is all about. It’s certainly not what STAR TREK was about. It celebrated how we were all alike and also celebrated our differences. Sure, we may not look like each other, but inside we’re all the same!”
     George Jetson stood and shouted, “We don’t have skeletal systems.”
     “That’s not what I meant. Inside we all have feelings. For ourselves and for others. Sure, I may be smarter and better looking. But friends, inside I’m just like you. We are one Universe!!! We are Brothers and Sisters!!! Now let’s all join hands and sing together. Do you know, Kumbaya?”
     A strange calm came over the room. They all took hands and began singing. “Kumbaya, my lord, Kumbaya. Kumbaya, etc.” I looked around the room and saw that they all had tears in their eyes. Sometimes you can’t beat a good Peter, Paul and Mary tune. Tears ran down their faces. Neo from the Matrix, and Darth Vadar, Gov. Schwarzenegger, and Wall-E and I could see the Tin Man starting to rust.
     When the song was over Obi approached me. “Can I have a hug, Mr. Spiner?”
     “Of course.” And we hugged. In a manly way. “Obi, Ben, I think it’s time for me to go home. Surely, my friends and family are missing me.”
     “Don’t worry. One of us morphed into you and has been riding a cable car in San Francisco for three days. But, you’re right. We have learned much from you. You may go now. You will find yourself back in your bed. It will all seem like a dream. Goodbye. May the force be with you.”
     I waved goodbye to all the Scit”s and the next thing I knew, I was waking up. And that’s where all of this began. What an adventure. Among the two or three best I’ve ever had. I feel good about the entire experience. But, I guess what makes me feel best is that I saved all of you and everyone else on Earth. Don’t feel you need to thank me. It’s all part of the job.
     The End.